settling in.

pictures are from the hospital stay.. had to post these up here before they 
were forever lost in digital heaven.

so, i'm still here.
just barely hanging in there with very little sleep.
it's been a while since i've had a newborn in our house (4 years to be exact).
well, it's funny really, the memory does something tricky when you get older.. it deletes any traumatic or troubling memories more than a year old.
well, at least my memory does because i do NOT remember the newborn phase being this difficult.
i'm sure it was, i just don't remember.

 i'm happy to report that Camila is doing wonderfully well.
she is gaining weight and adjusting well to this new world.
i'd like to think i have a big important role in that.. since she's rarely apart from me {for reals..she's either latched on or near me somewhere}.

the BIGGEST adjustment for me as been with my other three kids.
the mom guilt has settled in my heart.

trying to manage 3 kiddos before Camila was born was always a little tricky.

 they each  needed attention and i always made it a point to devote some individual time to the struggles that each child had at the time. 

for my oldest, it was figuring out how to deal with a clingy classmate.

for #2, it was spending extra time reading and working on his reading/language skills.

for #3 it was working on her social manners {she has none} and working with her so that she could understand the concept of obedience and respect.

and now i have to ask myself if i've asked them how school was that day.
yeah, that's bad.
 i recognize that its just temporary and soon enough {once we settle into a routine} things will get better around here.
but i still feed bad for them :(

so tonight, i count my blessings. even though i'm super tired and not at 100%
i'm grateful for :

-a healthy little girl who i just adore. at night, when i just feel like i just can't hang anymore
i look at her and remind myself that i  had wanted her for so long. and now i've got her. so all this... the no sleep, nursing, etc is ALL worth it.

-friends and family that have pretty much fed my family these last 3 weeks. seriously, i don't
think i've cooked one meal. i'm so incredibly blessed by those that surround me.

- my wonderful husband.  friends, i married an awesome guy.



-instagram.  it's what keeps me from nodding off in the middle of the night while nursing. you'll find me online at 11pm, 1am, 3am, 5:30am. #nursingtimes

*****

signing off for now as i hear Camila starting to wake up.
so pretty much my 5 minutes are up :)

she's finally here {Camila Grace}

She is here.

Camila Grace, born on 12/26/2012.

well, at least she held out till the day after Christmas :) 

she's 6 pounds and 15oz of pure sweetness and adorable-ness.

i'll do another post that include more pictures of her post-birth.

for now, i'm pretty much going to do a photo dump of all my pregnancy pictures.

i'm being selfish really.. because this blog serves as my memory bank.. and posting

here gives me an opportunity to organize my pictures and look back one more time

at this special time.

so, if you'll bear with me... 

a little stroll through the last 9 months...

including my 'fruit' picture project. sadly, i was only able to photograph up to 24 weeks (baby was size of an ear of corn)... i wish i had completed it all the way through but life got really busy. but i'm super grateful that i was able to document so much of this pregnancy. i'm grateful that my husband was willing to humor me and 

take my pictures as i requested it (as vain and silly as it sounded).

because, this is it folks. 

no more little ones for me (us).. i finally feel as if our little family is complete.

it's so hard to explain it but that's the truth. does that sound strange? 

and friends, know that i would have labeled these pictures for you if i had any more energy left in this little old 

body of mine. but, alas, i do not. 

i'm running on 3-4 hours of sleep every night and it's taken me about 3 days just to collect and organize these pictures up on here. this little girl is draining me dry.. she's so lucky she's so darn cute!! (wink) :)

{my picture collection from Instagram. some posted on IG, some not posted}

all of these pictures have a special memory attached.

this first picture (red lipstick).. I took right after my 12 week appointment. 

an appointment where i wasn't sure if we were going to hear a little heart beat or not.

i had mentally prepared myself for the worst.

and it is in my weakest and most vulnerable moments that God has chosen to reveal his infinite mercy and love in my life. this was on of those moments.

and 9 months later.. my little reward! :)

once again, thank you so much for your thoughts and prayers throughout this time.

i can't tell you what a blessing your words and comments of encouragement have been to me!

hugs to you all, 

p.s. and what's this about it being 2013 already??  

this week. and how i almost walked out with my kids.

 

it's monday night and i'm actually sitting by myself  at panera writing this post.

by myself.

i've done some of my bible study, updated my journal and had some time to write.

i have to be quick because the college girls at the next table are going to start

talking about their professor and i feel like i really need to listen to that conversation.

{i don't consider it at all being nosy.. because, hey, if they're talking loud enough well

i can't help but listen right? and it reminds me of my college days when i complained about the same

things}

oh wait, where are my 3 kiddos you ask?

my husband is at home with them and tonight is my 'night off'.

you see, we have a little agreement set up between us.

he gets to golf on his days off and i get free time at Panera... but personally, i think i've got the better

end of the deal.. because i get to eat broccoli cheddar soup and that alone is worth it.

 

 

this week is going to be pretty mellow i think.

i  have a small birthday dinner for one of my best friends.

we are meeting up at olive garden.. and because i'm always thinking about food,

i can tell you that i already know what i'm going to order.

 

 

yep, clear the table. the pregnant woman is in the restaurant

 

 

i am still working on my Beth Moore bible study (James) and i'm almost finished with it.

i've started another bible study {through Community Bible Study.. if you've never heard

of it check it out. it's awesome. it's changed my life} and we are studying the book of Job.

 

 

can i tell you something though?

between James and Job and all that in between i'm feeling slightly overwhelmed.

is there such a thing as spiritual burn out?

if so, then i may be at the beginning stages of it.

when i'm doing a study it literally takes me about an 30min to get through one page.

i highlight and underline,

and copy into my personal journal and think about it

and look it up

and then if it's really earth-shattering (which is like every other sentence), i send it to my sister via text message.

oy.

i've got to figure out a good reading system.. pronto.

 

my children started awanas a couple of weeks ago (children's bible year long bible study/group).

i've never attended awanas before (as a child) and my children have never attended either.

this is our first year and i will tell you right now.. i was downright nervous for them.

we are new at all this {this church and awanas} and i didn't want them to feel lonely.

 

 

there was a point at which i almost grabbed my 2 oldest by their hands and walked them out of there.

i was so scared for them.. that they wouldn't make any friends, that they would be lonely,

that they would be separated, that they wouldn't like it.

my darling 8 year old stood there alone, not talking to anyone (even though there were

kids next her) as the worship team was starting to worship. she looked so small and out of place...

 

 

i stood at the back of the sanctuary and i watched her stand there and

whispered a silent plea to Him;

please, please dear God, let this be right for them.

and if it's not, then show me.

but i think they need this.. they need more than i can give them.

please let this work.

i didn't know what else to say because that was all i could say to Him at that moment.

i walked out of there with tears in my eyes, hopeful and scared of what I would find

when i picked them up.

i left and met up with some friends for a birthday dinner {which was so needed for my frazzled nerves} and discreetly watched the clock.

i went to their classes and encountered happy smiling faces.

they loved it.

they really really loved it!

(i almost broke out in song and dance at that point but

i was afraid of my water breaking).

 

praise the Lord.

 

and it all sounds so silly as I type this out.

i can't shelter my kids..i know that.

but i'm exposing them to something big..bigger than what I can comprehend.

this, along with what i teach them, will be the cornerstone of their faith.

and that's BIG.

that's something to worry about..

but once again, God very clearly showed me that He's got it all under control and

why, why, oh why would I ever doubt Him?

 

"When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul." -Psalm 94:19

 

 

thank you for hearing me ramble about this.

you all are so good to me!

and now, excuse me, while i try very hard to ignore (but not really) the conversation going on next to me.

have a wonderful week!

xoxo

this time last year.

 do you ever look back 6 months or a year ago and think "wow, we've come a long way"?

well, as I sit here and look through these pictures from last summer, that's exactly what goes through my mind.

i look through these memories of last year and while i feel happy looking at them

 i remember that during this time i felt like i was just coming out of a fog.

it was as if a mist covered my eyes and it prevented me fully enjoying moments with family.

i was in the midst of a lot of conflict and confusion; things around me were changing and i finally just had to let go of a lot of things.

i let go and trusted God that all would come out as He would want them to be.

i prayed for my little family,

i prayed for the friendships around me,

and i prayed that  He would be able to give me peace and strength with whatever happened.

and friends, He never, ever fails us.

ever.

 {scenes from Summer of 2011}

 

and then...

i fell in love with photography and started taking a photography class.

i spent more time with my family and started capturing the small things

in our life.

i started blogging... and i never, ever thought i would enjoy it as much as i have.

i met a wonderful community of bloggers {all you fabulous peeps} that encouraged

me with your sweet comments.

the friends and family around me loved me a little extra harder because they knew i needed it.

and then I started a bible study that changed the course of my stagnant spiritual life {can we get an  amen to that?}

all this contributed to a magnificent re-awakening.

I see clearly now..

and the view without that mist over my eyes

is just beautiful.

i'm so grateful. grateful that a year later i'm in a much different place.

the people that surround me are such a blessing to me..

my relationships are filled with honesty, encouragement and simple joy.

but let me very clear, it's not to say that it's sunshine and unicorns over here.

i still get worried and overwhelmed and stressed out.. about a million times a day in fact.

but i have learned that if i fix my eyes on Him and stay the course {His course}

then i'll be able to weather the good and bad.

i've learned that going through a conflict pretty much stinks..

but He uses it to grow and stretch us in ways we never would have otherwise.

He uses it as a way for us to turn to Him and to trust Him even though we don't quite know how it's all going to end up.

that my emotions will not lead me to a solution - BUT FAITH WILL.

{it got a little personal up in this space, didn't it?? thank you for reading if you've gotten this far}

tomorrow is the beginning of a new phase for us.

all three of my kids start school this week and so i've been in a

reflective mood {as you can clearly tell}.

but if this was a little too heavy for you, then don't worry.

i'm going to lighten it up next time with some happy stuff..promise.

i have yet to tell you the gender this little baby in mah tummy is.

stay tuned.

have yourself a very happy monday!

{linking up with Laura at Bits of Splendor}

it's really for reals {an announcement}.

today is my "it's really happening"  moment.

i'm coming out of the mothers closet {so to say}
and throwing it out there for all to know.

{so sorry for the semi blurry pictures. it was just me, my camera, self-timer and 2 pee sticks just trying to

record a moment}

it's for reals folks and i can barely believe it myself.
if you thought i was crazy before.. well, i may have just placed myself in a whole new
crazy category in your mind.

this new baby will be our 4th.. and we are super excited about it  :)

first things first.. some love messages:

my dearest Thursday playgroup members - you are are just the sweetest. i'm sorry i missed so
many playgroup dates.. but when i said i wasn't feeling good, i really wasn't feeling good. and it wasn't
a simple cold i was trying to fight. all you girls are awesome, i don't know what i would do without you guys.
and you take care of my kids while i eat all your snacks.. you girls rock.

my poor neglected blog and blog friends - you've been sorely neglected. but you see, i can't come up on here and post about food or outfits or the kids without somehow feeling as if i'm not being truthful.

because all i really wanted to tell you was that i haven't cooked a homemade meal in over 5 weeks and that
i'm about ready to bust out of my summer shorts. then you would wonder what was going on and then it would be awkward.

my kids - i know you miss my awesome cooking skills since it's been about 5 weeks since i've been able to make anything.
but you  must admit, i make some awesome smoothies. and i'm pretty sure you've all got your vitamin c intake for the next 2 years taken care of.
bam.
see how that works out?

to the people i've run into around town and you can't figure out if i'm just gaining weight or what - surprise!
i haven't gorged on hostess chocolate cupcakes.
right now, i can't do that even if i tried.

my husband - don't worry. we will survive. somehow, in some way we will survive.
on the upside, you keep getting cuter and cuter with the more kids we have :)

*******

if you find yourself reading this, please send some good cyber wishes my way.
for some reason, i'm extra paranoid about this pregnancy and i keep freaking myself out
but i am comforted in knowing that He in in control and i've just gotta let him go about His business
of caring and creating this little one.

thank you so very much my friends :)

the big {eight}.

i have an 8 year old.

for reals.

i wonder when i'll start to believe it?

i mean, i definitely feel older but not old enough to have an 8 year old little girl.

but i'm afraid it's all true - i'm old {grey hair to prove it}and i have an eight year old .
i'm not exactly sure how we got from birth to 8 years old but yet here we are.

we had a small little birthday party for my daughter a couple of weeks ago and with my

mothers surgery, i didn't have much time to put it all together.

{i used store bought invitations and left over material to embellish the envelopes.

confession: i almost forgot to send out invitations. almost.}

however, as thrown together as it was i'm pretty sure my daughter had a blast.

bless her heart, i think all the fun made up for the fact that i didn't have time to make or buy her a cake. 

cakes are way overrated anyways.

there is one thing i've finally figured out about little girls birthday parties.

they don't really care about games.

they want to hang out with each other

and talk

and eat

and just be goofy little girls.

kinda like how us older girls wanna be with our friends, yes?

there is one thing little girls wanna do though..

they want to make something, anything.

especially if it involves pretty paper, stamps and candy sticks.

{did i tell you how cute little 8 year old girls are?}

i had planned on having the girls make little flower headbands
but it just didn't work out. mostly because i forgot the headbands.
so instead they created book marks out of clothes pins.

i pulled out everything i could
possibly think of from my baking drawer and my craft drawers to serve as
embellishments for the girls.
who knew my cupcake liners would come in handy?

******

dear miss j,

i didn't know how much i was going to love being a mother

until you came along.

it wasn't until then that i discovered what He had created me for.

to be a mother, to be your mother.

you inherited your fathers generous and loving heart

and my witty sense of humor {wink}

as well as my love for earrings and shoes.

i know it's not easy being the oldest of this crazy bunch,
but you do it well.
and you, my darling, make me so very happy.

*****